superman i got plans for you

you know how in 'lifestyle' magazines and weekend supplements people are always being asked which superpower they would like to possess, and they always say 'i'd like to be invisible' or 'i'd like to fly'. well, i can see the appeal of both of those but i've decided that if i were granted a super ability i'd like to be able to fire a fetid liquid at will. i take my inspiration from the humble skunk.
how great, next time someone gets on your nerves, to be able to just lower your trousers (half moon, you understand, there need be no genetalia on display) and fire a revolting smelling jet of something in their direction.
regular readers will know how much it irritates me when i hold the door open for someone and they do not acknowledge me. i'm sure they'd be slightly more expressive once i'd done my 'human stink bomb' act on them.

now you're talking durdy!

yesterday there was an old lady pushing a trolley along the street (she was a trolley lady rather than a bag lady) wearing a t-shirt that said SHAG on it. i wonder if she knew what it meant. it reminded me of my friend Veronica who tells a story about her mum who, for a while, took to talking about herself as Mrs Smegma – apparently this was a character from some sketch her mum had seen. Veronica was mortified to have to tell her mum what smegma actually was. but not quite as mortified as the mum who'd been joking about the name with her laydee friends.
this, by the way, was the same woman who said 'i don't believe people do things like that' when Veronica had to explain to her what a blow job was.

starz in their eyez

last night i dreamt that i was helping Kylie Minogue with a dance routine!
i can't believe i had such a gay dream when i pride myself on being so unmainstream.
isn't it terrible when you let yourself down like that....