speedy gonzales

i came to work today in (or on?) my heelies.
you know – those fantastic trainer/shoe things that have wheels hidden in the heels. you just tilt yourself backwards a bit and the wheels cleverly engage and you begin to whizz along, almost as if you are floating.
so, i got here in super-quick time and was only called a prat once by some miserable fxcker i had to grab hold of when i nearly went 'whizzing' under a number 9 bus that i hadn't seen as i was too busy singing my heart out to 'love will tear us apart' (the Paul Young version, of course).
so then i get to work and go through the post. among which is a catalogue for kid's wear, including a rather fetching dress with a huge strawberry on the front. now, i know what you're thinking and you are wrong - dresses are a bit too grayson perry for me. but i did start to think about scratch and sniff clothes.
how nice to have a floral-print shirt that smells of roses when you scratched it. or an apple print skirt that gives off granny smith-esque odours (rather than granny short).
you could even have a creased up old t-shirt that smells of booze and stale fags when you frotted it - great for those mornings when you've forgotten to get hungover!
and you wonder why i don't write more often!

it's my party

so, yesterday, apparently my life began. yep.
the big 4.0 (as in, oh my god, how did that happen!)
when my mother was my age she had a 20 year old and twin 16 year olds!
all i've got is a major hangover and pre-party nerves. i'm having a 'drinks do'! for about 25 friends tonight and i feel like a panicky teenager. i'm not worried that people will turn up (i know they will). i'm just terrified that my inner party animal – which i spent most of my early 30s taming – will hear about the 'event' and turn what promises to be a lovely, relaxing bank holiday weekend into one spent in the outer limits feeling totally wretched with only a massive dose of self loathing for company.
i'm seriously considering not turning up!

wake up and smell the coffee

yesterday it was people not thanking me for holding the door open. today it's those hideous wooden 'spatula' like things you get in coffee shops to stir your drinks with. what is the point of them apart from using up yet more trees. they. just. do. not. do. the. job. so, next time i go out for a coffee i am going to slam the door in the face of the person behind me and stab the 'hot beverage executive' (or whatever we are supposed to call them) in the eye with one of those sticks!
wanna come? i'll let you buy me a latte.
another thing that irritates the hell out of me are men (and it always is men) who ponce along the pavement when it's raining with stupid golfing umbrella. they seem to think that just because they've got some ridiculously massive brolly (and i'm thinking the bigger the umbrella the smaller the member!) that they own the pavement. why don't they just carry a smaller brolly and a handy bit of wire for poking in people's faces. it would be so much more comfortable for them and the result would be exactly the same.

make mine a double

i am getting SO bored of holding the door open for people and them not bothering to say thanks that i am going to start slamming them in people's faces instead.
but i digress.
ask me what i did yesterday.
i had coffee with steven short!
ask me what i'm talking about.
i have a penpal called steven short. he lives in san francisco. he comes over once a year and we hook up for coffee or lunch. it's an oddly fulfilling relationship.
ask me how we met.
i googled myself (don't give me that, you've googled yourself too!) and found some of his pictures. i did harbour a bit of a fantasy that he would be the man of my dreams. how great would it be to date someone with the same name!
tell me it wouldn't be.
oh!
well, i like it!

express yourself

so - just back from NYC with the BOYF. very nice (more of it later).
now sitting in the office, listening to duran duran and replying to various emails (if anyone fancies a spam off, i'm definitely up for it) and experimenting with new forms of enthusiasm. my favourite so far is:
beyond perfect.
try it, it really works.
'how are you?' 'beyond perfect'
'shall we meet at 7 in camden?' 'that would be beyond perfect'
i can already see a time when kids on the street will be saying 'BP' (dsnt evthg end up abbrvtd?) in the way that they currently use 'cool' (which, thanks for asking, i really loathe).