calorie counting

i feel like i'm in a film called 'supersize me, i'm brigit jones'!
my diary today (since lunch) would read:
bottles of chardonnay: 1 and a half
lardy starter (fried whitebait, since you ask): 1
full on burger and chips: 1 (and i ate all the chips)
gorgonzola and pear crumble: 1
slice of birthday cake i didn't even want: 1
glasses of wine with birthday cake that i also didn't want: 2
hours of belly ache: 3
hours of belly hanging over jeans a la muffin top: 12 (since i woke up)
it's got to stop.
well, at least i haven't got hobbit feet