put 'em on!

i'm just back from a weekend at a luxury spa in Austria.
hmmm. funny word luxury. very subjective.
all i can say is that if that is the Austrian idea of luxury, i think i'll pass on what they would describe as 'basic' .
the spa was like a cross between a holiday camp and a run down 1970s swimming pool, with a touch of primary school thrown in - there were primary coloured pieces of ceramic thrown at, i mean positioned on the walls, with lots of chimes hanging around.
but let's not dwell on the decor.
let's talk about the people!
ever had a dream that you were having it off with one of your parents (just me then!), well, this is about as close to parental nudity and displays of sexuality as you are likely to get without being taken into care or imprisoned in a cellar (well, we were in Austria!).
everywhere we looked there was a Mum or Dadalike wandering around letting it all hang out (and down, and over!).
the size 0 debate clearly hasn't reached Austria yet, or if it has someone pickled it and ate it on toast as a snack.
let's just say that xtra large, elephantine, diplodocusesque and oh-my-god look at the size of that would be suitable adjectives for a size chart describing our fellow spa-ers. and that's just the children!
sister (who i took as my +1) came back all pink and flustered from her first trip to the sauna.
'it was like walking into a pub in the village of the damned, where everyone goes totally silent and stares at you.'
i pointed out that the reason she might have attracted so much attention was that she was wearing not only a bikini, but also a towel AND a towelling robe. 'that's like walking into Selfridges in just your knickers and wondering why everyone else is looking at you'.
i shall spare you her descriptions of the people she encounters in case you're eating.
we were generally well behaved though, being sure not to overdress for the naked areas (i bore all, Tracy stayed away) or underdress for the restaurants (buffets of the eat as much as you dare kind - i put on 2 kilos in 3 days) .
we did have a couple of funny encounters while we were there. firstly with a wedding party. I KNOW! which we gate crashed by mistake, taking a wrong turn at Volcania (pronounced Wulkaneeeeeeeea), one of the swimming pools. one moment we were lounging by the lovely thermal pool in our swimwear. next we'd wandered into a full on wedding reception - in our bathrobes. how we laughed! (the wedding party weren't quite so entertained).
next came at the end of a lovely bike ride in the country (during which we got totally soaked thanks to a passing monsoon). returning to the spa we once again took a wrong turn and were soon cycling amidst bemused looking towelling robe clad fellow guests, heading for Wulkaneeeeeeeeea! how we laughed (two laughs in three days - what fun!
i don't think either of us is in any hurry to return.