i was watching the 'amy winemouse' video earlier (youtube it if it's passed you by, it's a goodie) of old aime and PD playing with baby mice.
it's weird.
who decorated the place? the room is lit by a blue bulb, which, frankly, is hardly the most flattering of lights even when you are feeling peachy, let alone when you are rocking the skeleton in a stretched yellow Marigold look.
so, Amy picks up one of the baby mice and in baby mouse voice starts talking to hubby asking him not to leave her, and I found myself thinking – what if it's all an elaborate hoax!
what if she's not really a caner but is in bed, make up removed and fully moisturised for 10pm, so she gets a bit of quality shuteye before getting up, donning the frantically backcombed beehive wig and manky charidee shop bra, smearing a bit of kohl round her eyes so she can 'fake stumble' into the garden for the paps to get their shots.
what if it's all a front, some clever marketing ploy to keep her in the headlines.
well, i'm buying it!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
eye eye
put my contact lenses in this morning. went to gym. noticed that my left lense was durdy.
big smudge right in the centre, meaning i was seeing the world in slightly soft focus (my left eye is the alpha male of my vision).
get to work, take out my lenses.
still have big smudge right in the centre of my field of vision.
i have smudgy eye! is that a condition, like pink eye? it's not pleasant.
and my eye woes don't stop there.
i once had an examination, at the end of which the optician told me 'apart from a couple of fatty deposits your eyes are in perfect health'.
FATTY DEPOSITS! at the time i was enjoying a particularly tricky relationship with my body, so hearing that as well as a stubborn roll of flab around my midriff i had fatty deposits on my eyes was the icing on a cake i was far too calorie-controlling to eat.
it's a cruel old world.
big smudge right in the centre, meaning i was seeing the world in slightly soft focus (my left eye is the alpha male of my vision).
get to work, take out my lenses.
still have big smudge right in the centre of my field of vision.
i have smudgy eye! is that a condition, like pink eye? it's not pleasant.
and my eye woes don't stop there.
i once had an examination, at the end of which the optician told me 'apart from a couple of fatty deposits your eyes are in perfect health'.
FATTY DEPOSITS! at the time i was enjoying a particularly tricky relationship with my body, so hearing that as well as a stubborn roll of flab around my midriff i had fatty deposits on my eyes was the icing on a cake i was far too calorie-controlling to eat.
it's a cruel old world.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
what's in the bag?
there is a woman on the radio talking about a bag of hair.
she apparently used to cut her ex boyfriends hair and, unbeknown to him, used to keep all the cuttings.
she now keeps the cutting in a bag and can't throw them away.
not because she still holds a flame for the ex but because she can't bear to touch the bag as it feels like a human head.
she sounds vaguely deranged.
i got a press release today about a new restaurant that is not only going to be 'huge'! but it's also going to serve 'imaginary eastern food'. I LOVE THAT. imaginary food!
i was so inspired, in fact, that i have just opened an imaginary restaurant. it's already a big hit among foodies. drop my name when you call and they might be able to fit you in some time in September. 2009.
i'm also in the middle of writing 'the imaginary food diet', which is guaranteed to be a 'huge' success and should see the skinny trend elevated to new heights!
i personally recruited all the imaginary staff for my imaginary restaurant (they are all gorgeous, natch and think i'm a really 'amazing' boss)but i have forbidden them from using the word 'enjoy'.
don't you hate it when you go to a restaurant and, upon bringing you your dishes, your waiter/ess puts down the plate and says 'enjoy'. like it's some kind of order.
well, i do. anyway.
she apparently used to cut her ex boyfriends hair and, unbeknown to him, used to keep all the cuttings.
she now keeps the cutting in a bag and can't throw them away.
not because she still holds a flame for the ex but because she can't bear to touch the bag as it feels like a human head.
she sounds vaguely deranged.
i got a press release today about a new restaurant that is not only going to be 'huge'! but it's also going to serve 'imaginary eastern food'. I LOVE THAT. imaginary food!
i was so inspired, in fact, that i have just opened an imaginary restaurant. it's already a big hit among foodies. drop my name when you call and they might be able to fit you in some time in September. 2009.
i'm also in the middle of writing 'the imaginary food diet', which is guaranteed to be a 'huge' success and should see the skinny trend elevated to new heights!
i personally recruited all the imaginary staff for my imaginary restaurant (they are all gorgeous, natch and think i'm a really 'amazing' boss)but i have forbidden them from using the word 'enjoy'.
don't you hate it when you go to a restaurant and, upon bringing you your dishes, your waiter/ess puts down the plate and says 'enjoy'. like it's some kind of order.
well, i do. anyway.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
so many irritations, so little time...
today's niggles. in no particular order.
minty mist - my mum put 20 packets (that's the real figure by the way, not a gross exaggeration) of extra strong mints in my goodie bag for the train journey on Sunday. i brought them into work and have been unable to stop consuming them. i now feel like i have swallowed a cloud something similarly airy and nebulous, hence minty mist. i feel full of it.
(while on the subject of goodie bags, why is it that even though i will only go to my mum's for one night she will still buy me four muller light yoghurts! and why is it that i have breakfast before i go, the minute i get on the train my sandwiches start going 'cooey, we're here!' until i can't stop thinking about them and so consequently end up eating my lunch approximately 9 minutes after leaving Norwich.)
people who don't use toilet brushes. i'm not going to get vulgar - i'm sure you can imagine - but there is someone on my floor who doesn't seem to be able to work out what they are for. (clue: toilet. brush.) alternatively there might be a bear on the loose.
people who don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them (I know I've said that before but what is it about people? do i look like a bouncer?)
forever carrying an umbrella around and ALWAYS leaving it back in the office when it actually rains.
my dad asking me once again to be his facebook friend! what is it they say about being able to choose your friends but not your family?
Anyway, turned out nice again, hasn't it?
minty mist - my mum put 20 packets (that's the real figure by the way, not a gross exaggeration) of extra strong mints in my goodie bag for the train journey on Sunday. i brought them into work and have been unable to stop consuming them. i now feel like i have swallowed a cloud something similarly airy and nebulous, hence minty mist. i feel full of it.
(while on the subject of goodie bags, why is it that even though i will only go to my mum's for one night she will still buy me four muller light yoghurts! and why is it that i have breakfast before i go, the minute i get on the train my sandwiches start going 'cooey, we're here!' until i can't stop thinking about them and so consequently end up eating my lunch approximately 9 minutes after leaving Norwich.)
people who don't use toilet brushes. i'm not going to get vulgar - i'm sure you can imagine - but there is someone on my floor who doesn't seem to be able to work out what they are for. (clue: toilet. brush.) alternatively there might be a bear on the loose.
people who don't say thank you when you hold the door open for them (I know I've said that before but what is it about people? do i look like a bouncer?)
forever carrying an umbrella around and ALWAYS leaving it back in the office when it actually rains.
my dad asking me once again to be his facebook friend! what is it they say about being able to choose your friends but not your family?
Anyway, turned out nice again, hasn't it?
Friday, April 18, 2008
a tale of two dressing gowns
did i ever tell you that in a previous existence i lived in Spain? of course i did.
we had a massive leaving do - i made the invitations out of my MA1 flying jacket, which i was very rarely without. it was symbolic maaaan...
as a leaving present my parents gave me Terry.
actually they gave me a towelling dressing gown, which boyfriend and I christened Terry (as in terry towelling). it was, quite simply, the 80s made garment.
an extravaganza of grey towelling with red and black go faster stripes.
Terry met with an unfortunate end – flushed down the toilet of a hellhole, i mean flat, that i was renting. don't ask me why, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
I remembered Terry recently when at work, my publisher told a dressing-gown related anecdote.
publisher has an older brother, who, judging by some of the stories publisher tells about him, has always been a bit, erm, unstable.
one of his tricks when they were growing up involved spraying himself with hair lacquer and setting fire to himself.
he would only do this, for some reason, when he was wearing his dressing gown.
apparently publisher and family would be sitting on the sofa watching tv and he would come screaming down the stairs and into the living room wearing a flaming dressing gown.
it got to the point, she says, that they almost stopped noticing him!
my current dressing gown, thank you for asking, is navy cashmere. it has only two moth holes!
we had a massive leaving do - i made the invitations out of my MA1 flying jacket, which i was very rarely without. it was symbolic maaaan...
as a leaving present my parents gave me Terry.
actually they gave me a towelling dressing gown, which boyfriend and I christened Terry (as in terry towelling). it was, quite simply, the 80s made garment.
an extravaganza of grey towelling with red and black go faster stripes.
Terry met with an unfortunate end – flushed down the toilet of a hellhole, i mean flat, that i was renting. don't ask me why, it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
I remembered Terry recently when at work, my publisher told a dressing-gown related anecdote.
publisher has an older brother, who, judging by some of the stories publisher tells about him, has always been a bit, erm, unstable.
one of his tricks when they were growing up involved spraying himself with hair lacquer and setting fire to himself.
he would only do this, for some reason, when he was wearing his dressing gown.
apparently publisher and family would be sitting on the sofa watching tv and he would come screaming down the stairs and into the living room wearing a flaming dressing gown.
it got to the point, she says, that they almost stopped noticing him!
my current dressing gown, thank you for asking, is navy cashmere. it has only two moth holes!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
more tea vicar
i know it's immature but it makes me laugh. i have the annoying habit of spraying perfume (yes, i know i mean after shave) into my hair when i feel in need of an uplifting burst of this week's favourite fragrance. i've done it a few of times today and each time, the team at the next bank of desks have all gone 'oh wow, what a lovely smell, what is it?' to each other.
the first time one of them said it might be her new perfume, but that she hadn't put it on for ages. the next time it was credited to someone who had recently walked past.
i've just done it again (i'm a heavy sprayer – you wouldn't want me as a cat!) and one of them has announced. 'i've worked it out, it's my herbal tea'.
you had to be there....
and isn't it weird how instead of say, we use go. so i go 'shut up' and she goes 'make me' and i go 'i don't make onions, i just pickle them' or whatever (sorry, i mean wtvr)
the first time one of them said it might be her new perfume, but that she hadn't put it on for ages. the next time it was credited to someone who had recently walked past.
i've just done it again (i'm a heavy sprayer – you wouldn't want me as a cat!) and one of them has announced. 'i've worked it out, it's my herbal tea'.
you had to be there....
and isn't it weird how instead of say, we use go. so i go 'shut up' and she goes 'make me' and i go 'i don't make onions, i just pickle them' or whatever (sorry, i mean wtvr)
sock it to me
i’m slightly concerned that i am the only person left on earth who is still on facebook (I feel like I am Legend with a laptop). i’ve had no new friends for ages and the old lot seem to have migrated to goodness only knows where without inviting me along. the only notifications i get these days are asking me to check out the ‘are you interested’ application, but frankly, i’m not. or not enough to try and install it. any application i’ve tried in the past has usually resulted in posting some random message or photo of myself as a fat child to everyone of my facebook friends, so i’ve given up trying.
Back in the real world, have you noticed how many pregnant women there are around at the moment? it’s like a plague. Attack of the unborn babies. there are bumps everywhere!
and, have you also noticed how many men there are around with baby bumps. Just kidding (topical, huh!). No, really, I mean with too-short trousers? it’s an epidemic. check it out. there are loads of guys, usually in the slack/suity style trouser, who are all to happy to have their trouser legs flap around their ankles (usually hovering over unattractive slip ons or cornish pastyesque footwear). now, unless there is also an outbreak of STLS (sudden telescopic leg syndrome), someone needs some lessons in pinning up trousers. whatever, it seems that recently, wherever i look there is too much sock on display.
Which reminds me (as many things seem to) of when i used to live in Spain and we would have ‘el dia del…’
one day it would be el dia del manco (‘day of the men with one arm’ - everywhere you turned would be a geezer with an empty jacket sleeve tucked into some or other pocket) or el dia del cojo (‘day of the limp’ where every second person would have an awkward gait) or, my favourite el dia del vizco (‘day of the squint’.) I’m a boss-eyed chap myself (without my contact lenses I have what is referred to in the trade as an ‘alternating squint’ which basically means that to focus on anything I have to strain my eyes so that one or other makes a mercy dash for my nose. And I actually get to choose which eye! lucky, eh.
Back in the real world, have you noticed how many pregnant women there are around at the moment? it’s like a plague. Attack of the unborn babies. there are bumps everywhere!
and, have you also noticed how many men there are around with baby bumps. Just kidding (topical, huh!). No, really, I mean with too-short trousers? it’s an epidemic. check it out. there are loads of guys, usually in the slack/suity style trouser, who are all to happy to have their trouser legs flap around their ankles (usually hovering over unattractive slip ons or cornish pastyesque footwear). now, unless there is also an outbreak of STLS (sudden telescopic leg syndrome), someone needs some lessons in pinning up trousers. whatever, it seems that recently, wherever i look there is too much sock on display.
Which reminds me (as many things seem to) of when i used to live in Spain and we would have ‘el dia del…’
one day it would be el dia del manco (‘day of the men with one arm’ - everywhere you turned would be a geezer with an empty jacket sleeve tucked into some or other pocket) or el dia del cojo (‘day of the limp’ where every second person would have an awkward gait) or, my favourite el dia del vizco (‘day of the squint’.) I’m a boss-eyed chap myself (without my contact lenses I have what is referred to in the trade as an ‘alternating squint’ which basically means that to focus on anything I have to strain my eyes so that one or other makes a mercy dash for my nose. And I actually get to choose which eye! lucky, eh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
